Dear American Airlines:

I have a very small suggestion.  If I am to be charged for the privilege of taking my luggage on your plane, it would be nice to have it waiting for me when I get off your plane.  And if not waiting for me then, it would be nice to receive it less than 48 hours after arriving at my destination.

You see, it’s been two days since your plane took me to Newark (not New York) at 1:10 AM (not 10:40 PM), at which time I discovered you had not bothered to reroute my luggage as well as my flight.  I went to bed at 4:30 AM and slept fitfully and rose early, hoping you’d knock on my door to return my several hundred dollars worth of clothes, shoes, makeup, and hair-styling implements.  Your website said I’d receive the luggage within six hours of 4:00 PM.  I sat in my apartment all that day, waiting.  I sat in my apartment all through the night, waiting.  I bypassed my run in the park while I waited.   I could not pick up my roommate’s Effing Cat while I waited, so I left her to bite and claw at the hand of the girl taking care of her.

The next day, approximately 14 hours after you promised he would arrive, the first cretin you sent buzzed my door.  When I came down to collect my luggage, he discovered that he had neglected to bring it along!  After much sluggish poking about, the first cretin promised you would send another — brighter than he — before 5:00 PM, when I was supposed to leave to pick up my roommate’s Effing Cat.

I suppose I should be impressed that the first cretin you sent knew how to buzz doors, because the second cretin didn’t know how.  Perhaps the first cretin also forgot to pass along my apartment number.  Or perhaps the clear directions on the front of the door were too complicated for the second man’s cretin  brain.  Instead of buzzing, the second cretin called me repeatedly — on my phone, which was dead, because the charger was in the suitcase you seem to have problems getting to me.

So I waited.  In the interim, I ingested thousands of calories out of sheer boredom, again foregoing my body-and-soul-cleansing run in the hope you’d show up.  I started thinking too much out of boredom, and thus underwent yet another career crisis.  I paced alone in that empty apartment, wearing my last pair of clean underwear and pajamas, looking like hell and questioning my talent and calling and meaning in life — all because your first cretin could not count and your second could not buzz someone’s door.

I despaired.  I sent my mother an email with the words “SCREW THEM.”  (Yes, meaning you.) I went out and bought a new charger.  I took a subway to the Upper East Side to pick up Effing Cat.  I came back and went out to buy Effing Cat litter and food.  Effing Cat caught the note of despair and meditated ending it all with a jump out the window.  I called you up on the phone and was icy and frigid and nasty and cold.  (“Christian icy?” my mother asks.  No.  Heathen icy in fact.)

And so the second cretin returned hours later, and I signed for my luggage exactly 48 hours after it should have arrived.  Thanks for your “safe, dependable and friendly air transportation.”  I can see that my “safety, comfort and convenience” and emotional health and Urban Outfitter outfits are your “most important concerns.” It’s nice to have underwear and hair implements once again.



~ by stultiloquence on August 20, 2008.

8 Responses to “Dear American Airlines:”

  1. We should write a book, and in that book, my entry, “Dear Airtran, I Want to Buy You, Bankrupt You and Burn You Down,” would follow this one. I feel you. Oh, how deeply I feel you.

    In fact, I am now inspired to write that entry.

  2. I would like to buy, bankrupt and burn Perfect Delivery.

    (Yes, that was the name of the perfect delivery service.)

  3. American Airlines destroyed my cello once. I checked it in, and was like, “This is a cello, and it is fragile.” So the helpful counter lady stuck a fragile sticker on it. When I arrived in Albuquerque, my cello was in splinters, and when I demanded that they buy me a new one, they’re like, “We don’t insure instruments. You should have brought it on the plane with you”.

  4. This wasn’t your best work. A little overuse of the word cretin. But don’t fret; you know I love your writing. Besides, I can’t write half as well as you even when I have all my underwear.
    “Heathen icy” – LMAO.

  5. My question is irrelevant. Why do you still have that effing cat?

  6. I don’t know why I still have the effing cat. Life has many unsolved mysteries.

  7. I hope you mailed this, as well as posted it for the world to see.

  8. We are still waiting for our bag from AA…It’s been 7 days…I am a grad student at SUNY-Binghamton and took a flight from Istanbul to London to JFK. We made the connection, but the bag didn’t. Apparently the bag was sent out for delivery with “Perfect” in NYC, even though it should have been put on a plane to Binghamton the folks at AA mistakenly listed our city as “Bingleton”). Now Perfect says the bag was returned to JFK, while the folks there have no record of it being returned. What’s even more frustrating is that we have not received a single phone call or email from AA with any sort of update. This has been nothing short of an absolte nightmare.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: