How the geeks get the girls

Geeks are like the knight in shining armor to today’s damsel in distress, but they take the “charm” out of Prince Charming.

I ask a simple question: “I think my computer is dying because I keep getting this blue screen every time I open up iTunes and then this thing that says SMART but I don’t know how to back up my data, and is a millibyte bigger or smaller than a gigabyte, and if my computer crashes forever and I lose my livelihood do you think it’d be faster to die of starvation or a broken heart?”  And every time a stream of technobabble bursts forth as they wave their slender arms towards items smaller than my lip gloss tube and more expensive than my whole month’s rent.

JAMES from Best Buy #1: “Well I could run a diagnostic to see if your SMART 1065982359872395872 processer bulb is running on maximum gigahertz wattage or if it’ll explode in your face without warning and embed all the function keys into your brain.  But you’ll have to let me father your firstborn child.”

CHRISTIAN from Best Buy #2: “Your computer may be possessed by the devil but we’re really not sure.  A full diagnostic will cost you $5236.74.  Then you can pay $7165.43 and have it shipped to the Vatican to be put on a six-month long waiting list for the professional exorcism covered by your excellent warranty.  Or I could just fix it myself for $15,000!”

I have no idea what the heck they’re saying but they brook no opposition. Paul from Best Buy nearly sold me a brand-new model, not-yet-on-the-shelves HP DV 2195 on the spot.  Jamal from Office Max had only 15.4 inch screens and convinced me that “no one” wants anything smaller. Harold from Staples forced me to buy an external drive for $79.99 (plus a $9.99 warranty), despite my feeble insistence that I really only needed to transfer a few gigabytes of music and the precious 10 pages worth of the half dozen books that I’ve started. (I snuck back the next day to return it and bought a jump drive instead, which didn’t work until I realized I was putting it in upside down.)

Do they see me walk in looking crestfallen and lost and do they say, “Here’s a girl who is not only astonishingly stupid but also emotionally vulnerable and thus easy prey!” Can I trust him?  Is he lying to me?  When he swears on his Bluetooth he would never sell me a crappy computer, can I really believe him?  I have no way of knowing so I search their eyes deeply to gauge their sincerity and when I see emptiness there I say, Well I’ll probably look around and maybe come back a little bit later I guess, and stumble out in a blur of tears.

In the meantime my computer may explode without warning and embed all the function keys into my brain.  Or I may marry James and start having his technobabbling little geek babies.

~ by stultiloquence on June 30, 2008.

4 Responses to “How the geeks get the girls”

  1. I get the blue screen of death too. I don’t know what it is.

  2. You know, if you buy a Mac you won’t have to worry about blue screens of death ever.

  3. But what we haven’t explained is how girls get the geeks. I have a non-geek who doesn’t know what to do with the blue screen of death but is opposed to jumping on the Mac bandwagon.
    At least I have a cell phone that allows texting now.

  4. “Swears on his Bluetooth.” LMAO! Also, you should never get a warranty from a store, especially not for for a HD. If you have Computer problems, you should call me. (No, that is not a pickup line.)

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