Why I’m so buff

I started working out after I stepped on my mom’s scale one day and was shocked to discover I’d gained twenty pounds overnight. By the time someone mentioned that my mom’s scale had a margin of error + 20 pounds, it was too late to turn back. I was already jogging the road towards sleek fitness. Then I moved to New York and in the flush of fitness fervor, yoked myself to a gym.

I hate working out. I go to the gym for the cable TV, which is quality. I watched Christian Siriano take out “tranny hot messes” with his “fierce” fashion sense. I am devoted to America’s Next Top Model reruns and Real Housewives of New York City. Occasionally I branch out to MTV, but only for truly serious entertainment like Parental Control, in which parents who hate their kids’ significant others set their kids up with new significant others and then watch the dates in real time with the old significant others, who talk a lot of snarky smack. I am too sophisticated to watch The View, but I find Regis Philbin adorable.

It doesn’t help that when it comes to working out, I suck. I have the flexibility of the Tin Man and the upper body strength of a kangaroo. I can’t decide if weight machines look more like torture devices or booby traps. I am unsure of the proper dumbbell-lifting technique and embarrassed to demonstrate improper form in front of the flabby and middle-aged people who frequent the gym when I do. The muscle-bound male employees and androgynous female employees frighten me. I consider taking classes, but think, what if I can’t keep up in Club Abs, and resolve to get buff first.

I think it would help if I had cuter clothes. If I had pristine neon running shoes and wore coordinating shorts and sports bra, no one would question my fitness acumen, and people would furtively copy my dumbbell technique.

I wonder, sometimes, what will happen when I move to Brooklyn and have to walk to the gym instead of taking the elevator like I do now. I suppose I’ll have to get cable TV.


~ by stultiloquence on May 4, 2008.

6 Responses to “Why I’m so buff”

  1. I think Cable TV has a likelihood to impact your weight and physique, but probably not in the ways you might intend.

  2. I’m pretty convinced about that cuter clothes = better workout thing. I know I enjoy running much more since I purchased good running shoes. Still working on the funds for the rest of the outfit. Does Nike sponsor really average people?

  3. Pilates is an awesome workout, and you could look for a class full of middle aged moms to compete with. Although I suppose it’s even more demoralizing if they are better than you.

  4. You know, bench pressing is a great way to cope with frustration.

    Regarding gym clothes, there is advantage to not wearing a coordinating set. It says “I’m too busy getting buff to care if I match.” Or at least, it should.

    I wish you well in your quest for buff-ness. I just hope you don’t turn out like that poor girl at my gym who looks like she desperately needs someone to take her off the stair-master and get her a couple of double bacon cheeseburger.

  5. Umm…I’m going to have to second the matching clothes things being a motivator. Maybe that why tennis has the appeal. You get to wear a mini-skirt and get fit at the same time.

  6. I should get into tennis. I could totally rock a tennis skirt. The whole hand-eye coordination thing, not so much.

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