Helpful homeschool tips

Against my will and better judgment but in keeping with my meddlesome nature, I find myself engrossed in a campaign to find my friend Nathan W. the love of his life. When I saw this post from my friend Jacob Douvier and this eBay fundraiser for the Get Nate a Date Foundation, my first reaction was incredulity. My second, involuntary reaction was to help compile pictures for this slideshow, force my roommates into a focus group to gauge the female response to each photo, and write a list of helpful dating tips:

1) Shun all Calvinist women. They’re generally unattractive and strident, and their hearts really belong to John Piper.

2) Think twice about dating a fellow homeschooler, because homeschoolers dating homeschoolers is kind of inbreeding. Your 15 baby homeschoolers may end up grossly big-brained, cross-eyed and with extra toes.

3) First date: Avoid marriage proposals or discussions of natural family planning. (Save natural family planning for the second date and, if NFP views pass muster, marriage proposal for third date. Invest marriage proposal with much religious symbolism and sober talk of husband as head of the wife.) For first date, stick to sermon podcasts, conservative politics and subtly complimenting her inner beauty. Mourn the failed campaign of Mike Huckabee but don’t linger on this topic too long since politics tends to crush girls’ fragile minds.

4) Physical boundaries — vital to inexorably set. Handholding is acceptable if done while walking, less acceptable if done while standing still, and dangerous to the point of mortal sin if done while sitting or prone. All other physical contact prohibited, at least until engagement but even more holy to postpone until marriage and holiest of all to postpone until first wedding anniversary.

I am only the Token Female Adviser (all my polling was flatly ignored), but in addition to Jacob’s description of Nathan as a man who “loves reading, puppies, children and long walks on the beach,” I would like to add that he is extraordinarily well-educated and thus in dire need of funds. Hence the eBay fundraiser.


~ by stultiloquence on May 1, 2008.

11 Responses to “Helpful homeschool tips”

  1. I must say, this has me just in stitches.

  2. Well played mutual friend of Nathan

  3. i am going to eternally deny that i know or am friends with any of you.

  4. I know. I”m so embarrassed.

  5. Come on. It’s for a good cause.

  6. Friends or not that is still one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.

  7. You have risked your grand reputation for my well-being. Thank you. I feel like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and I’m learning what tremendous friends I have.

  8. I’m pretty embarassed about it too, so don’t let Jacob’s urgings get you down.

  9. This is so funny! It got reposted as “Rules of Homeschooler Dating” and I want to post it on my blog. I am still laughing. Hope you don’t mind…

  10. […] FROM stultiloquence […]

  11. […] advice from the Douvier-Appointed Token Female Adviser a few days ago. She has also posted this timely advice here on stultiloquence. Thank you for your submission! I suddenly find myself deeply engrossed in […]

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