Fat Baptists

Of all God’s children, Baptists are the fattest.

It’s a scientific fact, and Purdue professor Ken Ferraro found it after conducting an eight-year study of 2,500 fleshy believers. He drew some startling conclusions:

  • You can’t blame Southern cooking. Even Yankee Baptist women were more likely to be fat.
  • Beth Moore can blow you up. Women who displayed devotion to religious radio and television were more likely to be blimpy.
  • Booze and nicotine might help. Baptists are corpulent because they eschew other vices, like smoking and boozing. Note that other fundie churches — Pentecostal, Church of Christ, Assembly of God, and Church of God — were second fattest.

This is why I urge that everybody have a vice and why I have taken care to cultivate my own. (Huckabee, as usual, is the paragon in this respect, having replaced fried chicken, biscuits and gravy with the mud and muck of politics.) Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit? Then honor God with your body, and light up a cigar.

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~ by stultiloquence on February 26, 2008.

14 Responses to “Fat Baptists”

  1. This is comforting. I can become a neurotic, chain smoking, borderline alcoholic (thanks to the fantastic journalism job awaiting me and my inability to delegate) because I’m not a baptist.

  2. There is actually something of a minor debate in the Southern Baptist Convention about drinking. Some think that there should be a resolution against any pastor who drinks while others (the more sane bunch) think it is ridiculous, even if they happen to have decided not to drink while serving in the capacity of pastor or elder.

    It reminds me of a funny exchange in social dance sophomore year. Justin and Emily were taking the class, and when Jovita was teaching us the Latin dances, she got after him for not moving his hips. His response: “Ma’am, if I were a baptist, I couldn’t even dance, however, I’m a Reformed Baptist, so I can dance, but I can’t move my hips.” She was speechless.

  3. oh, the vanderArks… ha.

  4. Jacob — hahaha!

  5. Justin makes me rofl with lollerskates!!

  6. staff – are you staff as in BS as in Ben Stafford?

  7. are you talking about Church of God (Anderson, IN) or the other Church of God in the south that handles snakes? I grew up in COG Anderson. Slightly less freaky, but I’m kind of opposed now. Not that I’m telling my parents.

  8. I just realized I should clarify – I have no idea of COG (Cleveland, TN) handles snakes. This is a gross assumption on my part. My dad always called them the freaky southern COG’s, and said we weren’t creepy like them because we didn’t handle snakes. The COG (Cleveland) website says nothing about snakes, so I hope I have not committed libel on the internet.

  9. If you want to read a fascinating account of snake handling, check out “Salvation on Sand Mountain.” It’s in the library and is a fairly short read. Mostly because it’s so creepy and yet strangely addicting.

  10. I am a big fan of things that are creepy and strangely addicting.

  11. I could have been a fat Baptist, but the good Lord saved me into non-denominationalism.

  12. There but for the grace of God go I.

  13. That is so true it’s not even funny.

  14. I wouldn’t call it a minor debate about alcohol. An entire church planting organization in Missouri was de-funded by the Missouri SBC in large part because they do not forbid the moderate consumption of alcohol.

    I could be a fat Baptist, but God’s manifold grace led me to Reformed Theology instead.

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