“No Sex Allowed” on American Idol

American Idol is becoming a platform for abstinence advocates and kissing-dissers this season. It all began with “No Sex Allowed,” an original song by a little social worker who bore a freakish resemblance to Arrested Development’s analrapist, Tobias Fünke. Dedicated to Simon Cowell and the other million who needed to hear it, the song went like this:

I’m sitting around, minding my biz’
Something’s wrong and I don’t know what it is
My girl comes around
She’s an Oedipus Rex
She’s playing with me
All she wants is sex. …

No sex allowed
I don’t want to be part of your crowd
No sex allowed
And if you don’t like it, get out of town!

Perhaps the “perverted third verse,” which Simon refused to hear, explained how Oedipus fitted in.

Then came an earnest youth with virgin lips and the key to the heart of his future wife. But the best was Amy Catherine Flynn, panelist for Students Teaching and Respecting Sexuality. She gave an argument for abstinence that would have made Miss Teen “Like Such As” puke her SlimFast bars with envy. To pick up in the middle,

Then you’re like, if you’re gonna marry them why can’t you wait another five, six years? And then you’re like, oh then we’re gonna do it then and you’re like, we waited all that time and now it’s like, really special, like we have such self control!

Amy won Simon over to chastity, but he gently told her “some people” might find her annoying. Not me. I find, like, such self control inspiring. No sex for Simon or Stultiloquence this season.


~ by stultiloquence on January 25, 2008.

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