Why I Don’t Heart Huckabee

First, I’m a Theological Agnostic with Presbyterian/Faux-Anglican yearnings. Huckabee is a Baptist ex-minister. Presbyterians are all about pipes and cussing and alcohol. Baptists are all about booze bans and full-page USA Today ads endorsing female submission. Could a Baptist bring freedom and democracy to the world’s shackled peoples while frowning on dancing and liquor? I really don’t think so.

Second, I don’t like Chuck Norris, who was Huckabee’s only supporter until the homeschoolers endorsed him, too. At Huckabee’s every campaign stop, Chuck Norris – dressed in an ugly sweater – skulks near. I think Huckabee is Chuck Norris’ puppet, just like Mitt Romney is the LDS robot. And who would you rather have controlling the White House? A dim-witted Texan kung-fu fighter seeking a Hollywood comeback (and the fried-food-potluckin’ Southern Baptist Convention), or happily clean-cut caffeine-eschewers?

My answer is neither. I have already endorsed Brad Pitt for Prez and Angelina Jolie for First Hottie, the perfect blend of all a First Family needs in this great day and age: sex appeal, multicultural fuzzies, an adoring media and a vague social conscience!


~ by stultiloquence on December 18, 2007.

12 Responses to “Why I Don’t Heart Huckabee”

  1. I’m a little skeptical of Huckabee myself… but based on actual political reasons. Hellsdale political thinkers have been ranting about his “big government” voting record, saying he is a nice Christian man but not much of a potential president. I have no idea how true this is. I will look it up before I make any statements whatsoever. All I am saying is that I’m not going to jump on the Huckabee bandwagon just because all the other homeschoolers are. A big part of me wants to say “Chuck Norris? Are you kidding me?”

    I think it would be amazing if there was a strong Christian in office next year. However, if I broke my arm and got to the emergency room, I would ask for the doctor who would do the best job of setting a broken bone. If he was a Christian, great. But that wouldn’t be my initial request. “Hi, my arm is dangling in grotesque angles in 3 different spots. Are there any doctors available who could sign my ‘Statement of Faith’ waiver before treating me?” Likewise, I would support someone I thought would be a good president despite religious beliefs that might conflict with mine. As long as it was just a personal conflict and not a serious moral conflict, it would be fine.

    A 2-page spread on submission? So creepy. I don’t even want to hit the “submit comment” button at the end of this post.

  2. I don’t think you can be a *real* Christian and not like Chuck Norris. I mean, he counted to infinity. Twice.

    I don’t think Huckabee would be any worse than W. When it comes to ethical and moral issues, I’d rather have a social conservative than a fiscal one.

    Wouldn’t it be ironic if Romney got the nomination and Huck was his VP?

  3. i hope huck doesn’t require marshmallow-jello salad at all patriotic celebrations. also, based on his family christmas picture, i’d say his family DOES represent a “large” portion of our country. cruel, maybe, but i’m with you on the jolie-pitt white house bonanza.

  4. What the hell is so damn terrible about a theocracy? Vote Huckabee! 😉

  5. I’m between indifferent and annoyed, I think.

    Mainly, I’m sick of Ron Paul and his psychotic supporters, I hate Romney for his campaign stump he gave at graduation, Thompson is half-dead, and Huckabee is bleh. Oh, the Democrats are more fun to watch argue, but…

  6. Abby, was “Hellsdale” intentional or a Freudian slip? (James, I am assuming your “hell” was a typo. If not, I would judge you.)

    I don’t know, Mark. I kind of like Ron Paul. (Not his psychotic supporters, but the man himself.)

  7. Eh. I’m an ex-libertarian, and I suppose I find his foreign policy in particular a bit idealistic and silly. I also find it interesting that every Democrat save Barak Obama has seriously backed off the “get everybody out of Iraq” stance, leaving only Obama and Ron Paul in the immediate withdrawal camp. Just so happens they’re also the least experienced folks in the running.

    I think Huckabee and Obama would be the most fun to get a beer with, Hillary and Romney the least.

    Interesting article on the atheist pastor, BTW.

  8. Intentional. I blame it on senioritis.

  9. Do I really have to go back to school? I prefer eating my mom’s cooking and reading nothing more philosophical than Calvin and Hobbes.

  10. I have been reading lots of C and H lately myself. I find myself identifying very strongly with Hobbes.

  11. You guys should go back for the senior parties.

  12. I wish you would come back for the senior parties.

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