Sex and Election ’08

One of the things I’ve noticed in my work as a serious journalist: Mitt Romney is a pretty hot man.

I didn’t notice this when Mitt Romney was giving the commencement address at my graduation (perhaps because I was peeved at him for confusing a commencement address with a political stump speech), but I think my work as a serious journalist has made me more aware of the sexualization of American politics.

Take, for example, Obama Girl. (I only know her because I am a serious journalist who faithfully surfs YouTube Politics.) Obama Girl has a crush on Obama:*

I’ve never wanted anybody more

Than I want you.

So I put down my Kerry sign,

Knew I had to make you mine.

Smile back it’s sexy you’re so fine,

‘Cuz I got a crush on Obama.

This makes sense, given the fact that Obama’s adorable. (I can admit this because I’m objective.) What makes less sense is Giuliani Girl,* who wants to become Mrs. Giuliani IV. Note that Giuliani Girl’s love is more policy-oriented:

He’s my man and I’ll stick by him.

He won my heart reducing crime.

The less attractive candidates manage to garner attention too, having cleverly married young, hot wives. Fred Thompson’s wife, Jeri, is a quarter of a century younger than he, and fond of plunging necklines. The second wives of John McCain and Chris Dodd are 18 years younger. Rudy Giuliani’s third wife, Judith, is 10 years younger. Dennis Kucinich looks like the progeny of a UFO and a garden gnome, but his wife Elizabeth is a 31-year-old, “car-crackup gorgeous” redhead with a tongue stud she has promised not to remove in the event that Clinton, Obama, Edwards, Richardson, Dodd, Biden, Giuliani, Thompson, McCain, Romney and Huckabee all die unexpectedly and Kucinich moves into the White House.

Of course, not everyone is thrilled about the sexualization of American politics. Richard Land sniffs, “If I were Rudy Giuliani and I were in my third marriage and my third wife was the woman I was committing adultery with when I was cheating on my second wife, I would probably avoid public displays of affection.” (Note that Land is president of the public policy entity of the Southern Baptist Convention and that Mike Huckabee is an ordained Southern Baptist preacher. My opinion: Land is resentful that Huckabee’s only claim to hotness is losing 110 pounds.)

Now that I’ve aired my political knowledge and established my worth as a serious journalist, I’m sure you all want to know who I’m going to vote for.

I want only the best: Brad Pitt for Prez and Angelina Jolie for First Hottie.

* WARNING: Do not click on this link if you think even Christian rock is overly sensual. I promise it will deeply offend you.

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~ by stultiloquence on November 29, 2007.

9 Responses to “Sex and Election ’08”

  1. I don’t think anyone in the platform party back in May is sexy, even six months later. I mean, I think I was one of the only guys there who, over the course of four years, didn’t have a man-crush on Hans.

  2. Romney has Kerry hair.

  3. Do you think Obama girl might have back problems?

  4. Of course by the end of that commencement everyone wanted Hans Zeiger, not Mitt Romney for president. Despite the Kerry hair.

  5. Re: your “*” warning. Going on a tangent here, you might enjoy the book “Why I left the Contemporary Christian Music Scene: Confessions of a Former Worship Leader” by Dan Lucarini. I am reading it for my senior research project and personal enjoyment about the ludicrous arguments made in the book. Chapter 11, I believe, argues that Contemporary Christian Worship music is sensual because Rock and Roll came from early slang for (gasp) having sex, and so if you listen to any Christian music that is like rock and roll, you might as well be having sex. Also, he claims worship teams are bad because the “sexual” music often leads to extramarital affairs between singers on the team.

    I think you are a very serious journalist.

  6. Maybe the class of ’08 should ask Hans to give their commencement address!

  7. Thank you for those pearls of wisdom, Abby. Fortunately for my soul, I stopped listening to Christian rock a long time ago.

  8. Unfortunately for my soul, I am still writing about the abomination that is Christian rock in my paper “The Development of Contemporary-Style Worship in Protestant Churches: Worship Practices in America Since 1980” for Prof. Clark.

    Hannah confirmed that “rock and roll” was once a slang term for the activity Mr. Lucarini suspected. She discovered this while researching for her Elvis paper for the same class.

  9. […] answer is neither. I have already endorsed Brad Pitt for Prez and Angelina Jolie for First Hottie, the perfect blend of all a First Family […]

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