Hot Girl Seeks Christian Heartthrob

I have taken a brief hiatus from sleeping and eating this Christmas break and I have carved out some time to find myself a hot soul-mate. Not the sort of girl to tackle this task without extensively researching first, I have helped myselt to my little sisters’ large library of Love Inspired: Heartwarming Inspirational Romance novels, where I have discovered a wealth of spiritual depth and startling prose.

The descriptions on the back covers yanked me in: “Is there time for romance between prodigal Melissa and newly rededicated Christian heartthrob Richard?” “Beth could never give her heart to a motorcycle-riding man again. Or could she?”

I discovered that the hero and heroine are initially torn by conflicted feelings: “She was a work of art with a bad attitude … He was like a woodpecker — irritating, but intriguing.”

The hero is usually tormented by a tragic past … until the heroine floats into his life in a cloud of butterflies: “Chance thought of a garden in the springtime with Tanya standing in the middle, sun warming her, birds singing, butterflies flittering from flower to flower. The picture brought him peace.”

The heroine, in turn, is eventually overcome by the hero’s sheer spiritual sexiness: “The deep, baritone of his voice flowed over her, smooth like a river of honey. Slowly his dark blue eyes lit with a gleam like periwinkles basking in the sunlight.” This usually leads to some frolicking about in the snow, followed by some passionate lip action, accompanied by a period of rejoicing in the purely spiritual friendship they share, plagued by an occasional doubt: “She was afraid it was more than befriending.”

The more sophisticated writers insert a chillingly-sketched villain who attempts to drive the lovers apart: “Watch out for yourself, Sandy. Chet comes across like cream, but underneath, he’s cottage cheese.” But a Higher Power foils the villain’s attempts, and holy love eventually moves the characters to poetic ecstasy: “Christine was spring to him. She was blossoming flowers and humming bees, the wings of birds and the flutter of butterfly wings … He’d become almost poetic thinking of Christine.”

This is followed by a passionate proposal (“Moonlight shimmered over her unfettered blonde hair.”), a tearful acceptance (“Yes. Very much yes.”), and the information that everyone, naturally, is going to live happily ever after: “Only the future remained, so bright, so shiny, it reflected in the hope they saw in each other.”

Some may object to the fact that a few of the writers, who boast winsome names like Merrillee Whren, have trouble creating complete sentences; but I for one can only excuse this small flaw in light of their breathtaking similes: “Leah didn’t need this complication. This unwanted, unwarranted, attraction to her son’s adopted father. A man who was more irritating than a scratchy wool sweater in the dead of summer.” The writing is inspired.

So if there are any newly rededicated Christian heartthrobs out there looking for an emotionally fragile heroine with unfettered blonde hair, I am highly available. Just as soon as I finish reading “Lasso Her Heart.”


~ by stultiloquence on December 26, 2006.

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